Opening
There is a particular kind of friendship where you can say the outrageous thing out loud and the other person simply holds it. No fixing, no judging, no rushing to meaning.
Erin Miller joined me for our first fireside conversation to explore how friendships like that are built, and what they make possible.
The idea
Erin Miller is a home learning teacher and a close friend of mine, and our fireside was deliberately unscripted. We began with her mother’s cookies.
Erin grew up in a home where her mother was consistently available, and where the dinner table was the debate table, with the expectation that everyone would take a stance and hold it with respect. That inheritance shows in how Erin communicates now.
She described a friendship sustained through Marco Polo voice and video messages, where the format creates an intentional listening space because you cannot interrupt. Her friend with ADHD told her the platform helped her realise who her people are, because it lets her come where she is at.
Erin also spoke about Brené Brown’s insight that when information is missing, our brains make up stories, and about naming the story out loud rather than letting it harden.
She said:
“We need those friends who we can just throw it out, no matter how outrageous, and have someone just hold it for us.”
The deeper thread was intentional friendship.
Erin is deliberate about who gets her closeness, and she models asking directly for what she needs rather than waiting to be guessed. Her friendship stories carried the fireside. The fireside format itself became part of the message.
Erin also teaches, and her school gathers colleagues twice a year, treating those days as essential because trust built in person carries every later conversation.
What I took from it
Erin taught me reflective listening years before I had a name for it, and our friendship has survived distance and busy seasons because of it. I have moved countries and continents, and the friends who can hold the outrageous thing without flinching are the ones I build my social ecosystem around.
This fireside felt like a public thank you. Holding space for someone is a skill, and like every skill it improves when we practise it on purpose. Our fireside reminded me why the practice is worth keeping alive on purpose.
Three things to try this week
- Borrow the Marco Polo principle this week. Leave one friend a voice message they cannot interrupt, and when they reply, listen fully before answering. Notice how it feels to be received without interruption, then return the gift tomorrow. The format gives both people the same generous gift of an unhurried turn.
- Agree a signal with one friend that means no rush, and a second one that means I could really use you today. Put both in writing so neither of you has to guess. Choose two words that are easy to remember and hard to mistake. Signals like these make honesty cheap and guessing unnecessary.
- Next time a friend vents, try reflecting back what you heard before offering any view at all. Ask whether they want ideas or simply room. Stop before you advise. Most venting wants a witness, not a plan. Being heard once in this way changes what you listen for next.
Watch and go deeper
Our fireside conversation is embedded below. Watch it for the cookies, the debate table, and the friendship stories. Erin has no website of her own, so no outbound link is available.
New conversations land on the Rediscovering Connection channel most weeks, and you can subscribe at the Rediscovering Connection channel.
Close
Friendship this deliberate does not happen by accident. It is designed through rhythm, honesty, and care, and it can be rebuilt at any age with the same three materials. The question is worth sitting with before your next honest conversation. Explore the research, then sit with the question this article closes on.