Opening
Most workplace friction is not caused by what people say. It is caused by what they assume the other person meant, and by the trail of conclusions they follow without ever checking.
What I brought to the conversation
I brought a practice for clearing assumptions before they become conflict. When you notice your mind running ahead, speak the assumption out loud. Because of this action, my mind is making up that this is happening. Is this true? Naming it slows the conversation down, and slowing down signals that you are interested in going deeper rather than in winning.
I shared a live example where someone did this to me. I asked why did you do A, B and C, but really I was saying I am not happy about it. She noticed, and asked me to be more curious because she felt an assumption in the question. I realised my intention was genuinely curiosity, said so, and a conflict simply never happened.
I brought reciprocal vulnerability as the companion practice. If you want to go a level deeper with someone, be willing to share first. Peel back a layer at a time, and do not go too deep too quickly.
I also brought the loneliness and belonging quadrant from Lim and colleagues, published in 2021, with its socially fulfilled quadrant as the destination. And I shared my own storyline. As a teenager I was a seeker, searching for my people until university. My nephew is going through the same thing now, and telling him that I had felt it too gave him something I could not have given him any other way.
"If you are assuming something ... actually speaking out the assumption rather than ... following the trail of the assumption ... say ... because of this action my mind is making up that this is happening ... is this true"
The question that opened it up
Josephine asked how far I was into my Masters and where the programme was heading. That opened into the quadrant model, and I talked through how people arrive socially searching and can move towards socially fulfilled, which gave the whole episode its map.
What that conversation confirmed for me
It confirmed that vulnerability is reciprocal by design. The colleague who named my assumption gave me a gift, and I could only receive it because she felt safe enough to offer it.
Three things to try this week
- Next time your mind runs ahead of a conversation, stop and say the assumption out loud. Because of this, my mind is making up that this is happening. Is this true?
- Before asking a deeper question this week, share one layer of your own first.
- If a question is really a statement, rewrite it until it is genuinely curious.
Listen and go deeper
https://gearedforgrowth.biz/ and Shelley's site https://www.thecommuniverse.com
A closing question for Josephine's listeners: which assumption have you been carrying that deserves to be spoken out loud? The guided programme for designing your own social ecosystem, Social Wealth Activation, lives at https://www.thecommuniverse.com/social-wealth-activation Whose assumption would you like to clear first?